Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
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are they though??
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
an octopus is just a wet spider
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”