Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
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One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The USS B port
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better