Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Free him
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.