[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.