[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.