Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras