If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?