No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
you will never know the true number of layers
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
#parenting
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train