All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.