both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.