“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
What if the weather talks about us?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.