*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
very niche meme I made
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.