There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
scrabbled eggs
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
You better watch out
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.