My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
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Hit me in the face with a bird
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Spring of Deception
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present