I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Make new friends? bro out of what?