ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“you changed” bro i was 15
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?