I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
You Might Also Like
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.