“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
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HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I put the mess in domestic.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus