cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.