The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?