They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌