I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.