Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
This might be me.
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Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.