When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
You Might Also Like
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that