White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
You Might Also Like
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?