When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
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Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.