If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
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turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I like long walks away from everyone
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
some Old Testament wisdom
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper