If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
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Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.