by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.