i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Mmmm. Shoeshi
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.