They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
The three genders
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.