ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
me irl
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
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My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more