Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
You Might Also Like
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.