RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Saturday
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!