Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
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Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.