I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Need this in my life lol
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”