Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
You Might Also Like
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.