Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
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My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing