don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?