I am having an out of money experience.
You Might Also Like
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.