When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”