A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My typo game is string.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit