*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Lmaoo 😂
He just like my cat fr
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”