Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.