You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup