The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Pringles
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.