Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
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Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
inventing words: clothing
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
quarantine day 3
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.