If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes