Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
You Might Also Like
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.