My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]